On January 28th, I started a “full-body photo challenge” to become more comfortable with my appearance. The challenge rules state that you take a full-body photo every day for 30 days and don’t edit it or add filters. I chose to take it a step further and post on social media. Of course, unwanted feedback occurred from random people saying disgusting things, but I had more positive feedback that made me smile.
I learned from this challenge how different your body looks depending on how you pose for the photo. It’s insane how the appearance of your waist, chest, and hips can change when you use a different angle for the shot. So keep that in mind when you see celebrities and influencers looking absolutely amazing and flawless.
Full Body Love
The end goal: build my self-confidence. I needed to take this journey to accept and trust myself – to have a favorable view of my body. I learned how to ignore or dismiss unhelpful feedback and handle criticism. Historically, I never set realistic expectations and goals regarding my body or appearance. Because I’m only 5’3, I think my weight should be no more than 120 lbs. and I have always been overly concerned about my BMI. Through my dietician, I’ve learned that BMI standards were created by the International Obesity Task Force (IOTF), funded by pharmaceutical companies with weight loss drugs on the market. I fact-checked this and found it’s true. One of the articles I read can be found at https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1479667/. This isn’t the only article on the topic, but I digress. I learned not to rely so heavily on my BMI, and my perspective on body image changed throughout the challenge.
It Wasn’t All Smiles
It would be a lie to say this challenge was fun and motivating daily. There were days when I hated some of the photos I took myself – I hated my whole body, but I posted them anyway and didn’t delete them. I made myself look at them; I learned to accept the parts of my body I’m most critical about. On Saturday, February 26th, I had a panic attack in a public place around 8 pm. I panicked even more because I was in public and still needed to get home. The coping mechanisms I’ve been taught weren’t coming to me. Once I got home, I washed my face but couldn’t do much else. I drank at dinner, therefore couldn’t take Xanax. I had to sit in the suck and binged the entire second season of Sweet Magnolias. If you’re wondering when I slept, the answer is I didn’t.
What led to this panic attack, and how is it related to my body acceptance journey? Earlier in the week, I decided to get rid of pants that no longer fit me and haven’t for a long time. When I realized what size jeans I needed to buy from some of my favorite brands, I got upset, but I pushed it to the back of my mind – ignoring the anxiety it gave me. The pressure kept building, but I kept ignoring it. That weekend, friends from Dallas were in town, and we enjoyed some high-calorie beer from local breweries and St. Louis Style BBQ. I ate and drank way more than I usually do. I started feeling bad about how many calories I consumed on top of feeling bad about needing to size up in jeans.
The After Effects
That evening I lost all control and panicked. It was unexpected and horrible. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think, and I couldn’t stop crying. The following two days weren’t the best for me. I was sad; I had a migraine, slept a lot, and didn’t feel like talking to anyone. Lost in work but not ignoring the problem, I chose to attend my Monday night Food + Body group meeting. It was healing and helpful for me to talk to them about the experience. I slept that night and felt so much better on Tuesday.
I tell you all this and am letting you in on this incredibly vulnerable moment of my life to clarify that the challenge was complex for me despite how happy I may have looked in every photo.
Next Steps to Full Body Love
I don’t plan to continue posting a full-body photo daily, but I plan to continue working on my self-confidence and body acceptance. I have a couple of months of group work left with my dietician, and I’m enjoying running again. Eating continues to be a challenge, but I’m getting through it. I’m not cured of body dysmorphia, but I’m getting better every day. I’m a work-in-progress. Aren’t we all, though?
Challenge
If this is a challenge you’re interested in, but don’t want to do the social media part – that’s fine! Just take the photos. Don’t edit them. Look at them. Process them. Learn to love how you look and who you are. You’re beautiful, and you need to believe it.
If you need to vent and don’t have anyone willing to listen, reach out to me.
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